Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
