Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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