Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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