I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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