I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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