he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
