if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
