oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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