I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
