Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
