I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
