I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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