i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
