Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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