i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
