It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
