i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
