Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
