I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have aggressive nipples.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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