I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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