I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
