I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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