Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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