I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
