What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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