You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
