When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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