"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
