I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
