My sheets look like a crime scene.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
