Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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