Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
