I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
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