i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
