Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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