im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
