I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
