I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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