Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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