I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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