I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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