i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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