I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
In America we eat man semen.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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