cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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