It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
