Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
