1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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