and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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