u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
