dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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