a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
