the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
