Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
